Sweet Tia,
Every day I am reminded of your unconditional love that touched so many lives for so many years.
Without warning, illness attacked you virulently. Our veterinary team worked hard to turn this specter of death away, and I had only one wish.That you would not suffer. That our love would extinguish the flames of a cancer that gave no rhyme or reason.
As I held you close and your last sentient breath filled the room, and your warm body became heavy and still, I knew that you were finally free. No more pain, no more suffering.
Your gentle nature never failed to keep the focus on the only thing that ever matters — love. And this is forever.
Love Always,
Vineca
Dear Galileo,
My dearest, sweetest angel. This is the first day after our formal grieving period of 49 days, and I want so much to be better, to be more at peace. To be able to write the perfect letter that captures all the blessings bundled up in you. And last week, I began to feel the grief softening just a little, just enough to make it bearable; this, I told a friend who was kind enough to check in with me to see how I was doing. I have been through this kind of loss twice before, when your brothers have had to move on. I know it does, in fact, get easier to carry on; that the waves of sadness still come, but there is more room to breathe between them. But, it seems, I still have such a long way to go until I get there. However, I didn’t want to put off writing to you because I know, no matter how long I wait, I would never be able to put into words everything I wanted to; and I know writing today is going to be an integral part of the process in strengthening my sense of connection to you under these new circumstances.
Yesterday, for your Day 49 – the Buddhists’ notion of how long a spirit may take to navigate the Between – I wanted to honor your journey, as I did for your brothers at the end of seven weeks’ time. The usual toast with a bit of bubbly was a given. Lighting a candle at the cathedral. But I had the idea to ask your Dad if I could go up in the airplane with him (and his instructor) for his flying lesson. This way, I thought, I wouldn’t have to wait until I got my wings to fly with you. Your dad had his own idea about you as a future co-pilot, so I knew this would resonate with him as well in his own way.
Your wings. Remember how I called you our Angel-in-Residence? How I said all your peanut butter-colored freckles marked the kisses of your angel-friends when they huddled around you to say goodbye for a while, right before you left heaven to become part of our family? How almost every day without fail I thanked you for giving up your wings another day to be with us? How I would stroke your “wing spots” as part of our daily meditation together? And marvel aloud at the iridescence in your white fur: so sure I was that this mirrored the shimmer of colors in your dazzling white wings hanging in heaven’s closet and waiting for your return? How I assured you Pushkin and Otis would dust off your wings when the time came for you, and would meet you with them right away when it came time for you to go back? And how, when your legs were crumpling on you in the last month or so, I’d told a neighbor you’d be OK because, in heaven, you had the most beautiful, strong wings. I’d told her – borrowing Grandpa’s term – in heaven, you are a “fast flyer.”
So, I believe you’ve been soaring since Day 1, as soon as your brothers showed up for you. No need for any time spent in some bardo… not for you, already an angel. I believe that the three of you are together again. That you are getting to know Pushkin now, who is healthy and youthful, just as you are again. You are once again right at brother Otis’s side. And that both of them are so proud of you -- their baby brother, all grown up: just like the day all three of you were together for your “debut” at the dog park in Tucson. I can still so clearly see the three of you there, and I believe it’s a lot like that in heaven now; and somehow, in your heaven, I’m standing nearby just as I was on that day. I believe all of this, admittedly, because I have to… I need to. But that’s OK.
In addition to the daily reflections and meditation practices you and I have been practicing together for years, I’m nearing the end of an extra 33-day series of reflections that came my way pretty much right after your time came. A bit of miracle that yesterday’s theme – on your special day -- was “knowing”: the difference between believing and knowing something. Each morning when I lay my hand on you while we breathed together I would say, “Do you think I love you or know it? Because you have to know it! Long after your brain is gone and it can’t think anymore, you have to still know it.” And so here we are still practicing this ongoing sense of connection. Someday, my spirit also will be free of its body; I too must know – must trust – that our connection is forever. Which is why your special song – the one that, whenever you hear me singing it, you know I am singing solely to you -- is “Our Love Is Here To Stay.” Oh yes it is. Know it.
Now that 49 days have passed, I know there needs to be a subtle shift in how I’m approaching the day. I am feeling the weight of having to move forward. I’m still here. I’m trying, Galileo. Today’s extra reflection was about “oneness” and letting the heart open in order to more fully experience our connection with someone. I always have called you my heart-chakra canine kid, so again the timeliness of today’s focus is a bit of a miracle. (Yes, I will continue to be someone who looks for miracles in my day, for signs that you and your brothers are with me and that you remember we are a family, no matter how much time passes.) Inspired in part by today’s practice, I want to promise you that I will work hard to clear distractions, to quiet the mental chatter, to reduce external chaos -- specifically so that it will be easier for us both to feel each other’s energy and love. The importance of being present: one of the lessons you and your brothers have taught me and continue to teach me even now. And the joy that can come with it.
Each morning while you were with us (eleven years, three months, five days), I thanked you and God for another day with you. Another day, another gift. That is still true, even if we now have to spend our time together a little differently. I will try not to lose sight of this truth as I continue getting used to how our relationship must now evolve. You are a gift – then, now, always. Joy. My precious angel: fly happy, fly free! And look over your shoulder: see me right there with you. That is my prayer. Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu. Om shanti, shanti, shanti.
Love,
Mom
Sweet Pepper,
I cannot begin to put into words the devastating loss I feel after having to make the decision to let you go. The words the doctor whispered, "she's gone mom" haunt me each and every day. I know that you needed to fly from your little broken body and move to a place where you could chase baby bunnies until your heart's content. Your departure was so unexpected and too soon. With time, I pray the hole in my heart and soul will be replaced with the joy we shared. I miss you my Pepper-oni, my Schnoodle-doodle.
Love,
Mom - Denise Belcevic
Dear Argos,
I'm so sorry that in a few short hours, you will take your last breath. You were such an amazing companion to my sister. You protected her and fought off the two dogs that attacked you both while out on a walk, you were there for her when most of her belongings were stolen, you moved with her all the way to nowhere Kentucky and you simply loved her with everything you had. You put up a good fight for the last year between having part of your jaw removed and chemo, and despite the health issues you were always happy and adapted like a champ. It hardly seemed fair when you started to limp a couple weeks ago and they said the cancer had gotten into your hip. We were told a removal of the leg would cure you, but then discovered the cancer had spread to your lymph nodes. I wish I could take it away buddy and you'd be here for a few more years like you should have been. I'm so sorry but unfortunately, I can't. When we open our homes and our hearts to a pet, we promise to love you and care for you but just as important, we promise to know when it is time to let go and not put you at risk for more pain or suffering. While you were in good spirits yesterday, keeping you here longer only puts you at risk of breaking your hip and being in immense pain. I'm glad I could spend some time with you and say goodbye. Tomorrow, your mom keeps her promise to you and upholds her part of the bargain because she loves you so much. You mom will be incredibly sad but I promise Alex, Grandma, Grandpa, Sophie, Katie and I will watch out for her and we will all think of the good times with you. Tomorrow, you will get to see Abby again and meet Maggie, Ace and Max. Tell them all we miss them and love them still. You have been such a good boy, we will all miss you terribly but now you can go softly into that gentle sleep, you deserve to rest now. You gave everything you had. Thank you for all the love, affection and joy you gave to all of us.
Love Always,
Uncle James
Dear Hero,
Since you crossed over yesterday the grief that I feel is indescribable. I'm so sorry that you suffered so much in the past couple weeks but we tried so hard to make you well. You were so brave till the end. You know we loved you no matter what and we thank you for being in our lives for the last 15 years. Mom and Joy and I and all your friends miss you so much. Our house is so empty now without you sitting in your little bed looking over at us ! There are so many beautiful moments we shared I can't list them all. I really miss you licking my face and just holding you next to me. All the places we went and all the walks we went on we're all special times for us. You used to be so stubborn and wanted to be the leader when we walked ! But that was your personality and that's what made you special. You used to love to go on car trips especially when we would go to Temecula and the park ! And we would always stop at el pollo loco and get your grilled chicken ! It's so hard to think of going there without you. I know you are in heaven now and watching over us. And I know when it's my turn to cross over you will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge and someday we will all be together again. Knowing this is what keeps me going on without you here next to me. Joy really misses you Hero. She loves you very much. Anyway I will write you again when I can think more clearly. It is hard to write with so many tears in my eyes. I love you so much Hero and I know you know that. I will talk to you soon "Lil He"
Love,
Daddy
Sweet Bijou,
It's only been 3 day's since I last held you in my arms & you took your last breath. With all the kisses & hugs I could muster up your passing just devastated Dad & I. You were our special boy, we went through so much together. You so helped me through my Cinnamon's passing. We adopted Blossom who was 6 mos to the day younger then you. You both just made our lives complete! My cancer & your ear canal's being removed. We were a pair, but we helped each other. You helped me through my cancer but I feel I failed you. The Lymphoma pill didn't work, the radiation didn't work, we started the chemo (palladia) pill it didn't work. You lost control of your back legs, we bought a (wheelchair) cart for you & you couldn't balance, you could stand to go outside even with us helping you. We washed you dried you, fed you & most lovingly loved you unconditionally as you did for us! Our home is empty, Blossom is not sure where you are. We are so sad, we miss you so much! I hear Dad crying in his office & in the the bedroom. He hears me crying everywhere. I'm not sure how we will go on without you. You didn't just take a piece of our heart, you took all! Dad love to spoil both of you, he loved you sitting by his chair during dinner & putting your head under his arm while he ate! No matter what I said, your manners I could not curve! We started to allow you 2 to sleep with us. During the night you would shimmy up to Dad's pillow & put your head on that pillow, Dad would turn his head & get a big wet kiss from his boy! Bijou, we so loved that! I loved you sleeping in between, it was just too cute! My sweet boy, you have no idea how much our hearts are broken. I miss you so much & every time I thing the tears have stopped, the flow starts again. I can't even think of driving back to CA. without you sleeping on my lap pretty much the whole trip (Blossom was not happy with that). You loved the stops at McDonalds for your egg & the hamburger's for lunch. That special treat we did when we traveled with you both. I cannot say good bye, it's too hard! We love you buddy, our little beastie boy!
Love Always,
Mommy & Daddy
Sweet Damon,
It's been 1 year since our last moments together. They seem so fleeting still. I still regret how short of a time we had together but if I had to change anything I would not change a thing. With you, I learned something I had never known before which is the ability to love so unconditionally. And it was that unconditional love I have for you that obligated me to have to let you go.
I often feel you here with me. I can finally laugh and smile when I think of you. It took me some time to get here though I find myself crying as I write this note as a cool fall night descends upon us I cannot help but wish you were here with me as my own personal space heater.
Poopy nose I miss the way you tossed your toys around, how you would bite into my shopping bags, how no shoelace was safe, you sneaking into my closet to nap and our Sundays on the couch curled up with the blanket.
I hope you have everything you need and you are as healthy as the day we met without the pain and discomfort you felt on your last few days with me. I am sure you have all the treats and toys your heart desires.
Thank you for your time here with me, making me laugh and bringing me the most joy of my life.
I miss you every day and know some day I'll allow another kitty to try and fill your paws but know you will always be my first love.
Love Always,
Mama (Yvania)
Dear Jack,
I miss you so much little buddy. I wish we had more time together. I'm sorry that I got aggravated with you near the end. I'm sorry that I wasn't the most patient mama. I feel like it was selfish to let you go because I couldn't watch you falling apart anymore. You were always such a good boy. I loved living in Boston with you and taking you on the T and letting you bark at the swan boats. Remember when you almost bit the maintenance man's hand? I miss you when I'm on walks with the girls. It feels strange to not be tripping over you when I'm on walks. 11 years, despite my best efforts, and you never figured out how to stop getting under my feet. I miss snuggles with you. I'm sorry I didn't pick you up and put you on the bed every night. It's been almost 3 months since you're gone and I still cry all the time. I know if you were here you'd be licking my salty face. I never realized just how bonded we were, and I wish I could go back and love you better. I feel like I wasn't good enough for you. I didn't deserve to be loved so much by you. You were my boy. You were so loyal and goofy. I miss your whole body wag and the way we would "talk" when I got home. Dammit I miss you so much. I even miss tripping over you. I hated watching you get old, and watch your heart get worse, and watch your body betray you. I couldn't watch your legs giving out, and when you would look so confused walking around the house. We lived for in the same house for 8 years and you looked around like you'd never been there before. It broke my heart to see your mind slowly deteriorate. It hurt to realize that you were walking in front of me all the time because you had gone blind and didn't know where you were going. There's so much I wish we could have done to fix you, but I know there wasn't anything. Dr. Amy told me I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I would have lost everything if it meant I could save you. I miss the clicking of your nails on the floor when you would start to fret at night and pace the house. I miss holding you like a baby. I know it annoyed you but you tolerated me and let me do it anyway. I was so worried about you falling down the stairs when you'd get there before me. It's strange for me not to have to vacuum everyday to get all that white hair up. White hair on everything, people thought I had a cat. I told them "nope, my baby Jack, who's allergic to cats." I still think it's hilarious that you're allergic to cats. You were a special one Doodle. Special in every meaning of the word. Gloria misses feeding you tomatoes and lettuce. I miss searching for treats that you aren't allergic to. You and Jade were with me in the hardest times of my life, and I wouldn't have survived if I didn't have you two. I loved you so much and I hope that I at least showed you that and treated you well while you were her on this Earth. I know I'll see you again. I hope you'll forgive me if I wasn't the best mama. I just want to be able to hold you and hug you again. I couldn't let go of you after you died. I held you for so long and cried. I felt like I let you down. Everybody says I did right by you for your whole life with me but I'll never feel like I did enough for you. You were my protector. You wouldn't ever let anyone hurt me. You picked who you liked, and I trusted your judgement. If you didn't like them, I didn't trust them. I wish you were still here. I know you were old, but sometimes I feel like there was more I could do. I wish I had been nicer, cuddled more, yelled less, loved on you more often. The girls miss you too. They smelled your bed and wouldn't lay in it for the longest time. We all miss you my little angel. I love you so much
Love,
Mommy
Dear Rufus,
You showed up at my front door one day out of the blue. I didn’t know what your actual name was so I thought Rufus seemed to fit you rather nicely (Hope you liked the name). How incredibly sweet and what a handsome face. How could I resist? You were wearing only a flea collar and you had been fixed. You certainly appeared healthy (weight wise). Why on earth would you be roaming around all alone in the neighborhood? How could someone just leave you? I have always imagined that it was a hard choice for them to make. Maybe they thought you would be better off on your own outside. Who knows. However, the one thing that I do know is it turned out to be one of the biggest blessings of my life.
You quickly acclimated yourself to the house and your new surroundings. Maggie and your kitty step sisters Isabel and Sophia graciously welcomed you in. I’ll never forget how wonderful it was when you would walk up and down the side of the bed demanding lots of belly and chin rubs. And when you had your fill of those, you would curl up beside me with one outstretched paw placed on my arm and gently doze off to sleep. You slept with our paw like this for such a long time – the first few years if I remember correctly. I thought it was incredibly sweet but at the same time I had a feeling it was because you wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to leave you like someone had before. I can tell you that is something that would never have happened in a million years my sweet boy. Never.
I wanted to write this so that you would know how much you meant to me and what a profound mark you left on my heart. You were not perfect – not even close. But then again, neither was I. With everything we went thru though, I would not change a thing. That is because I love you, plain and simple.
Spending the entire day with you on what would turn out to be your last day here before heading off to heaven was a very hard and yet freeing experience for me. In no way was I ready for you to go, but on the other hand it was nice to just sit and reflect over the time we had together. I’m very sad that I wasn’t there for your last breath but I have a feeling you didn’t want me to be there either. Your sister Isabel was with you and that eases the pain a little. I wish I could have said goodbye my sweet little guy, but I think that is what you were trying to avoid. So when I went to take a call you quietly departed with Isabel there to help you. I understand. I have never been that great at goodbyes myself either.
Thanks again for being such a good listener. Our late night talks will definitely be missed. More importantly though, thanks for all the love. Hopefully I showed you how much I care and love you while you were here.
So goodbye for now sweet boy – Until we see each other again. Love you !!
Talk to you on Wednesday (only you will get this)
(PS – I hope you don’t mind but I put the picture of the painting I did of you – It’s from when we first met --- Haven’t seen my heart since )
Love,
Dad
Dear Kyle,
It's been one week since I got to look into your beautiful brown eyes and tell you I love you. Home and my heart are so empty without you. I am trying hard to be strong, but I realize much of my strength came from loving and caring for you. Everything reminds me of you. When I was at home you were always with me. Whether you were snuggled, patiently waiting, walking with me or just hanging out, you were always by my side. Mama's best friend in the whole world. We did so much and when I was not home, I could not wait to get back home to you. Now it just feels like there are so many "no mores".
No more snuggles, no more Star Light Star Bright, no more conversations that would make most people scratch their head or laugh, no more sitting on the back deck in the late afternoon sun, no more hugs and kisses, no more howling when you are super excited, no more alerting me that it's dinner time (a half hour early), no more introducing you and saying "be careful he will wash your face with kisses", no more big spoon-little spoon, no more hours working on the computer with you nestled in the chair with me (even when you would rather do anything else), no more sitting on mama's lap facing me with your hands on my shoulders while we play "wanna go to Boston", no more talking about you incessantly on vacation to strangers who think I'm crazy until I show your picture and then they just understand, no more looking into your eyes and feeling so lucky to be your mama.
I've been looking through thousands of pictures these last few days, I'm trying to update your website for the final time. How it hurts to write that. But when I was looking through the pictures, I realized you went on so many adventures: play dates, vacations, family visits, walks, hikes, and events. And you had birthday parties, holiday gifts, and professional photo shoots. You didn't have a dog's life, you had a childhood! And you were so loved! Mostly by me (no one could possibly love you more), but by your family, friends, neighbors, doctors, my coworkers, and of course your little brother Kody.
Kody is lost without you but don't worry I am giving him extra love and attention. He keeps waiting for me to bring you home. I don't have the heart yet to tell him you are watching over him from the stars above. He's still full of energy, but occasionally he senses that I am so sad and he will give me a few minutes of snuggles and affection. I know you are sending him secret messages to do so. Thank you.
I've been talking to you every night when I see your star. I hope you can hear me. Even when it's cloudy I've been looking for you. I am so grateful for all that you gave me. The joy, the love and the friendship that we shared was the greatest of each. I am blessed to have had you in my life. Many never get to have a love like ours fill their heart. That's why losing you hurts so very much. The pain is equal to the love, and the love is infinite. I will never stop loving you, missing you or speaking to you. You were the center of my little world and you will always own the biggest piece of my heart.
Thank you for being my little boy, my best friend, my puppy, my everything. You are my Star Light Star Bright, you are the first star I see every night. Mama loves you more than anything in this world.
Love,
Mama