It's been one week since I got to look into your beautiful brown eyes and tell you I love you. Home and my heart are so empty without you. I am trying hard to be strong, but I realize much of my strength came from loving and caring for you. Everything reminds me of you. When I was at home you were always with me. Whether you were snuggled, patiently waiting, walking with me or just hanging out, you were always by my side. Mama's best friend in the whole world. We did so much and when I was not home, I could not wait to get back home to you. Now it just feels like there are so many "no mores".
No more snuggles, no more Star Light Star Bright, no more conversations that would make most people scratch their head or laugh, no more sitting on the back deck in the late afternoon sun, no more hugs and kisses, no more howling when you are super excited, no more alerting me that it's dinner time (a half hour early), no more introducing you and saying "be careful he will wash your face with kisses", no more big spoon-little spoon, no more hours working on the computer with you nestled in the chair with me (even when you would rather do anything else), no more sitting on mama's lap facing me with your hands on my shoulders while we play "wanna go to Boston", no more talking about you incessantly on vacation to strangers who think I'm crazy until I show your picture and then they just understand, no more looking into your eyes and feeling so lucky to be your mama.
I've been looking through thousands of pictures these last few days, I'm trying to update your website for the final time. How it hurts to write that. But when I was looking through the pictures, I realized you went on so many adventures: play dates, vacations, family visits, walks, hikes, and events. And you had birthday parties, holiday gifts, and professional photo shoots. You didn't have a dog's life, you had a childhood! And you were so loved! Mostly by me (no one could possibly love you more), but by your family, friends, neighbors, doctors, my coworkers, and of course your little brother Kody.
Kody is lost without you but don't worry I am giving him extra love and attention. He keeps waiting for me to bring you home. I don't have the heart yet to tell him you are watching over him from the stars above. He's still full of energy, but occasionally he senses that I am so sad and he will give me a few minutes of snuggles and affection. I know you are sending him secret messages to do so. Thank you.
I've been talking to you every night when I see your star. I hope you can hear me. Even when it's cloudy I've been looking for you. I am so grateful for all that you gave me. The joy, the love and the friendship that we shared was the greatest of each. I am blessed to have had you in my life. Many never get to have a love like ours fill their heart. That's why losing you hurts so very much. The pain is equal to the love, and the love is infinite. I will never stop loving you, missing you or speaking to you. You were the center of my little world and you will always own the biggest piece of my heart.
Thank you for being my little boy, my best friend, my puppy, my everything. You are my Star Light Star Bright, you are the first star I see every night. Mama loves you more than anything in this world.
I miss you more than you'll ever know. I loved you dearly for 13 years, you were so much a part of my life. I am really pining for you my boy. You are off to heaven to wait for me with my husband and the 7 other well loved dogs I've lost. Parting is so hurtful, it's just painful for me. I know I still have Emma and Jaden but you were the special one, the leader of the pack. Remember the walks we went on, how mischievous you were as a puppy. Watching you grow from an awkward baby to the handsome German Shepherd you became. I will never forget you, you were my special boy. It's been two weeks now and I cry all the time. No one would understand unless they knew the love of a dog!!! I like to think of you running around, healthy again. No more pain, no arthritis in your legs. Until we meet again I love you Renny with all my heart!!!
I cannot write your name without crying. You have only been gone a few weeks, and I am no closer to "finding peace". I miss you. You are completely irreplaceable. I wake up in the morning, and by the time I've started the coffee , I remember what happened...I feel this sharp pain in my stomach and my blood turns to ice...how could it have happened? I miss you so, so much. I wish more than anything I could turn the clock back and have had the insight to get you screened for heart disease, which is surely what took you, stole you from me like a thief in the night. But in over a half century of having cats in my life, I have never seen this. I could never have predicted it. I am just sick in my heart without you. I thought we had so much time ahead.
Everywhere I go I see your absence, when I open the back door to let dogs in, and remember your funny little habit of peering over the top of the window, just the wee ears and huge owl-eyes.."there's your troll" Alex would say. The spot on the stairs where you'd sit and watch stoicly over the goings-on below, but completely flip out with happiness if I came over and played with you....And the space beside me in the office...so empty. My heart just breaks without you.
I hope I was a good enough Mom, I loved you so much. It's still unreal that you are gone.And now I am sat here trying to write, I recall that we communicated in such a unique way - songs, noises, touch..it's awkward to convey what I feel in ordinary words. Maybe I can just say this.
Of all the animals I have had, do have and will have, of all that I love and will love, you will always remain unique in my memory and in my heart. I will never stop loving you.Your death leaves me in pieces, but it will have a legacy...I am already making changes in my life I have needed to for a long time, to honour not only you, but the person I see when I reflect on this grief. The one who cherishes cats. Whose work needs to be so much bigger than it has been this past while..in rescue, inadvocacy, and in other species (aside from the dogs!) There will be a big part of you in all I do in future, and I will never forget you.
Thank you, Dolly lama, for all you were, in your feral magic and hilarious ways and unforgettable presence. Thank you for your devotion to me, and for keeping me laughing in hard times and grateful when I wasn't inclined to be. Whatever strange dimension you came from, I can only say this: there is no one like you, and there never will be. I was blessed to have been your person for a whole 9 years - not long enough, but so so precious.
Please come back when you can.Until then, my sweetheart, my faerie - - Slán abhaile a stór mo chroi.
My lovely Pepps,
I loved you from the moment I saw you. I was smitten by your one floppy ear and your ridiculous plume for a tail. Even at the pound you radiated joy, which you freely shared. I feel so lucky that you came in to our life.
You were the Queen of Sticks, and had boundless energy when retrieving them. You taught our other dogs that water is nothing to be afraid of, and that swimming is fun. You are the most intelligent, precious friend that anyone could wish for. I love you more than I can express.
Thank you for our 14 years together. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your gentle kisses. The house feels empty without you. I feel empty without you. I love you.
What on earth can I say?
My sweet butter bean. My darling baby prince. I love you with all my heart. I feel a gape in my soul, it hurts so much I can't wrap my mind around it. It's like a dark cloud stretching for miles in every direction.
Do the circumstances make it worse?
But the widest gap between me and anything positive was created when you drifted off to sleep.
I know you're here with me. I know you've only left that fluffy little body, but that purr. Tob! Tob! Your purr! Your tail. The way you draped your body across the threshold, the sounds you made, your snore. Your snore, Tob. How do I go on without that? How do I love anyone ever again when you were all I have ever really loved?
Oh my baby, my kitten, my prince. Fourteen years was not enough. Fourteen more wouldn't have been enough either, but I thought I would have a few more, at least.
My heart is broken. I am not entirely sure I can do this without you by my side. I'm not quite sure I can ever get over this. I'm not quite sure, baby boy. I was only ever sure of you. You and your purr and the way you rubbed your face on me.
It hurts and I can't breathe and I feel like I'm dying. Tob, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so eternally sorry. I will always be sorry. I will always have a hole in my heart and you own it. You are it. I love you. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you forever. I love you the whole width of the inifinite universe. I love you until the end of time. I love you and I will find you one day and we will be together again.
Your devastated momma
What can I say? It's taken me a long time to sit down and write this letter. Largely, this is because I find myself often without the words to express the depth of my emotions, or more importantly, the enormity of the place you occupy in my heart.
We met when someone thought you weren't worth keeping because you were "ugly." They let you run free around the neighborhood and it's a miracle you weren't hit by a car. Ugly? You are the sweetest dog inside and out, and quite handsome!
You were skeptical of everyone when you first joined us at the house on Camilla. Within weeks however, your wily self emerged, running in the yard, chasing the ball and even accompanying a few bike rides.
How anyone could *not* have wanted you is incredible to me; it took all of about 5 seconds for anyone to fall in love with you! And, you loved to show off. I showed you a few tricks and you were always so eager to perform them. In fact, it was your tricks that first attracted your mama to me. She absolutely fell in love with you first!
When you met Pushkin, we knew it was kismet as you two hit it off immediately. Within minutes, you were chasing the Billy Pilgrim toy around the house and knocking around. The memory is still so vivid, I call upon it often when I'm missing you.
Otis, I want to say thank you for 12 years of laughs, love, and daily joy. Every day is a gift, and having you in it made every day so extra special. Now, not having you here is hard, but I am grateful for the way you changed me and helped me find a greater depth of love for all beings. And, I know, in some way, you're a part of everything around me... When we walk in the park past your favorite tree, when Galileo does his business on the slope where you once did, I know that you are all around us, still there, still showing G what to do.
You'll always be my wingman.
Your Dad, Seth
Today marks 1 year without you here to curl up in my lap. I wanted to do this much sooner than now, but the truth is, I'm still coping with not having you here. I'm just now able to say your name and look at pictures of you. I still cry. I teared up at work today because of what happened last year on this day. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I feel horrible because you passed on a Tuesday and I adopted your sister the following Saturday. I didn't do it to replace you because you will never be replaced. I did it because I needed help getting through the minutes. She helped, but my heart had to heal a little bit more. She's beautiful, Sugar - I know you wouldn't like her, but she's taking care of me. Her name is Abi. So is Flax. I know you don't like him because you met him. Boy, that was fun (not!) But he's taking care of me too and I know you would like him for that. Going from a sweet 16 year old girl like you to two babies at the same time was sure a challenge! But it kept me busy, which is what I needed.
Your daddy and I are getting married next year! We finally set a date :-) Don't worry, my daddy stayed with me a little longer after you were gone. He took you back home with him so you live at your old stomping grounds again. We protected your grave and you have a beautiful marker right above you. You're right next to Trixie and I know you two are running around together again. You in the front, and Trixie right on your heels, chasing you and trying to bite your butt (literally). Geez, I'm sobbing like a huge baby right now. I know one day I'll be able to think about you and smile without crying. One day, I'll be able to display more pictures of you. I kept the shirt that I was wearing as I held you that day - is that weird? I just can't let it go or wash it yet.
I miss you. I miss the small things that you would do. Sometimes, I'll be cuddling with Flax and Abi and I'll be petting them, then I'll catch myself petting their feet, but I'll immediately stop. Then I remember that you're the one who didn't like that - not them. You absolutely hated your back feet being touched. Other times, Flax might be standing over me, and I'll wait for him to start licking my forehead...but he doesn't do that. You did. I miss that too. They aren't good nighttime spooners like you were. I miss spooning with you, Sugar! ....and they have ruined my furniture. They claw it. I'm up to four scratching posts and a HUGE cat tree...and they still prefer the couch and chair. Go figure. You never did that. They have ruined the blinds that cover the back doors and Flax likes to chew my shoes. Abi likes to chew the sideof the door frame. Since when do cats do that?! Abi's other hobbies are not using the litter box and swinging from the shower curtain and/or bedroom curtain by her front claws. *sigh*
I might be moving soon. I found out this week that I'll have to move because they are going to renovate. I'm glad I don't have to put you through another move. Bless your heart, we moved one year before we lost you. I know you were nervous and not happy - you hated car rides. I still have the video of you talking to me while we drove to our new home :-) I'm curious to see how Flax and Abi will deal with it. This is the only home they've ever known. They like car rides though. Flax likes to ride in my lap. I think Abi gets sick like you used to. I remember when we first moved with you. We had hardwood at our old house and carpet in the new one. You fell on your side and started rolling around from one side, to your back, to the other side, and back again. I laughed so hard. I don't think you ever lived in a carpeted house until we moved. I don't want to move because I feel like I'll be leaving you behind. I keep telling myself that I won't be though, because I have our blanket and other things that remind me of you. They say time heals, but that's not entirely true. It just makes it easier to remember the one you love. As time goes on, I can remember you and not cry so quickly. The day will come when I remember you and smile without crying at all. I know you want that day to be here now. You didn't like to see me cry. You always knew and you were always there with cuddles. I think Abi and Flax know that I'm sad today. They haven't left my side. Abi tried to give me nose kisses.
The coolest thing happened today. I was on my way to work and I passed the police station. All of the flags were lowered to half mast, but I can't find any reason for them to be. So my conclusion is that they are lowered in your memory, my sweet girl. All for you! And you definitely deserve it because you were the best kitty ever! I know you're still watching over me and one day we will be together again. Time will fly and that day will be here soon. Until then, I'm going to live for you, Sugar cat. I'll cuddle Flax and Abi as much as I can and give them all the kisses I can. I did my best to take care of you, including knowing when it was time to say goodbye. Now I'm taking care of Flax and Abi. You were such a spoiled little girl and the best way to honor you, I felt, was to adopt another little girl. That's why I got Abi. She needed a home and you gave her one. Words can't express how much I miss my favorite cuddle buddy, but I'm living one day at a time, just doing my thing and staying busy.
I love you my sweet Sugar cat.
Thank you so much for the joy and grief , and every thing in between , you gave my life. I remember the first time I saw you at the animal shelter. So cute and little, meowing and pawing at the cage demanding its opening. Such beautiful markings. I miss how you would sit in my lap and look at me purring. I am sorry for any thing I did not do or provide for you in the past. I am a better person due to you.
Dear Monster Pee Wee and Spooky Boo "Pooh Bear",
My Dear Sweet Saints:
Not a moment has passed that I don't think of You and remember the Life of Bliss I once had with You both.
Now, all I can do is Thank GOD in Heaven for allowing me to share the Precious Lives of the most 2 Beautiful, Loving and Spiritual Beings that I know God created to teach me the things I needed to know. Every single moment I had with both of You was Heaven on earth. Both of You left me too soon and long before I stopped needing You. You both colored my world with the Purest form of Beauty, Love, Humility, Honor and Innocence that will never come again in my life. I never wanted to spend a moment without You because in Your presence, I felt GOD and saw the work of His amazing Hand and Spirit.
I drag through each day left with a horrible void and only wanting to feel that Goodness just one more time. No day since You left me have I enjoyed. The sun stopped shinning and the color left my world. Watching You take care of each other and being taken care of by You both was just a glimpse of what I Hope Heaven is like.
Watching You enjoy life and the world with amazing courage and complete Trust renewed me each day. You Both gave me gifts that no other person or creature has ever given me and seeing the respect You garnered from other creatures simply amazed me. It was as if all life "Knew" Your Beautiful Spirits. I learned from You that there is so much that man does not know and I remember feeling so Humble in Your presence. As if I were a child and You were my teachers. You looked at me for direction and safety and I failed You in ways that I didn't know. But You NEVER failed me, never once did You disappoint me but instead, You made me the Proudest Person alive knowing I was in the company of Saints.
I've shared my life with Pets but You two were not pets but my teachers and my Soul Mates. I will forever Long for You, Miss You and Thank God for You. You will never be forgotten nor will I ever be the same after knowing You. You changed me, enlightened me and allowed me a glimpse into Heaven.
Forever in My Heart You will Live, You are Part of Me and I hope and will Live to be with You both again for whatever I do, I will do with the same Loving, Compassionate and Innocent Spirit that You taught me with. God Bless My Saints for I will stand and kneel and pray to God that because of You, I am closer to what God wanted me to be.
You are God's vessels and He used You both and I know that Your reward is Great and Mighty. I will live praying that upon my last breath on earth, it will be You who greets me when my suffering is through. God Bless You Sweet Sons and Saints.
Psalm 23 I pray for You both as was our prayer each night together.
I LOVE YOU ETERNALLY, Daddy.
SINCE 1937 I’VE HAD SOME GREAT GERMAN SHEPHERD DOGS BUT YOU, MY CHARLIE BOY, HAVE A VERY SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.
IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE ONLY WITH US FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS BUT IN THAT SHORT TIME. YOU MADE OUR HOME A HAPPIER PLACE BY FAR.
YOU AND I QUICKLY BONDED AND YOU RARELY LEFT MY SIDE. IF I DID LEAVE YOU AT HOME FOR SOME REASON I RECALL YOUR MOM TELLING ME HOW YOU’D SIT BY THE DOOR CRYING UNTIL I CAME HOME. NOW WHEN I OPEN THE DOOR I HAVE TO STEAL MY SELF BECAUSE SADLY I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE THERE TO GREET ME.
IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU THAT I FINALLY GOT TO MEET MOST OF OUR NEIGHBORS. DURING OUR LONG WALKS, YOU BEING SUCH A SOCIAL FELLOW, WOULD WANT TO STOP AND SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE WE MET ALONG THE WAY. I EVEN REMEMBER PEOPLE STOPPING THEIR CARS AND COMMENTING OUT THE OPEN WINDOWS ABOUT WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BOY YOU WERE. YOUR MANY FRIENDS AND ADMIRERS LIKE GINA, FAYE, ZOE, OTTO AND ESPECIALLY BIG BUSTER PLUS ALL OF THEIR PARENTS ARE GOING TO MISS YOUR VISITS.
TO THIS DAY PEOPLE STOP AND SAY “HELLO CHARLIE’S DAD. WHERE’S CHARLIE?” AND EVERYONE IS SADDENED TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER WITH US.
MOM AND I ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING YOUR SMILING FACE WHEN WE GOT UP EACH MORNING BECAUSE YOUR PRESENCE MADE OUR DAY A BETTER ONE.
I’M GOING TO MISS OUR GAMES OF FETCH THE BALL ESPECIALLY THE GAMES WHERE YOU’D, INTENTIONALLY, ROLL THE BALL UNDER THE COUCH OR A CABINET AND THEN COME AND GET ME TO RETRIEVE IT. YOU WOULD LEAD ME INTO THE ROOM AND POINT TOWARDS THE BALL WITH YOUR NOSE. I WOULD HAVE TO GET DOWN ON MY HANDS AND KNEES WITH YOU, CROUCHING BESIDE ME, URGING ME ON. I’D DIG THE BALL OUT AND GIVE IT TO YOU WHILE STERNLY SAYING, “NOW DON’T DO THAT AGAIN.” IT DIDN’T TAKE ME LONG TO REALIZE IT WAS A TRICK YOU WERE PLAYING ON ME BECAUSE AS SOON AS I’D TURN MY BACK YOU’D ROLL THE BALL UNDER THE FURNITURE AGAIN AND THE GAME WOULD CONTINUE UNTIL ONE OF US GOT TIRED. GUESS WHICH ONE.
I’M ALSO GOING TO MISS THE TIMES WHEN YOU’D SNEAK UP ON THE COUCH AND SNUGGLE UP TO ME ( DON’T YOU WORRY, I WON’T TELL MOM )
I DON’T THINK THERE WAS A DAY WHEN, IN THOSE THREE AND A HALF YEARS, WE DIDN’T SPEND SOME REAL QUALITY TIME TOGETHER AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I HOPE YOU DID AS WELL.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH MY CHARLIE BOY,
YOUR LOVING DAD, GLENN
Your loving dad, Glenn