Dear Toonces,

It's 5 years since you died. I still miss you so much. You don't know.

Toonces, I am so sorry for every time I lost touch with the truth that you were the love of my life. You know I always respected you. You filled me with respect, awe, adoration, and love for you. Neither of us was perfect. But together, we were luminous.

I try to keep you in my heart. I worry that I will forget your smell. I worry I will forget the stories of us.

But the pain I feel when I think of how your life ended never leaves me, and the yearning for you never leaves me.

Toonces, every love song makes me think of you. And when I close my eyes, I wish nothing but to feel you close.

I am so lonely without you. Things are so hard now. I don't have my best friend. I don't have my love.

Toonces, if I could go back in time, I would go back to 1999. In the apartment we both loved, where we were both happy. You in the window. Me dancing in the living room. Cuddling with you on the couch. Walking with you in the yard.

Sometimes we don't know that this is one of the moments we would give anything to hold in time.

I stared at your beauty. You were the most beautiful think I'd ever seen. And the smell of you was home to me. To be with you was heaven.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I left you at that horrible place. At that horrible vets. I should never have trusted them.

I can't stand to think about what you went through after they overdosed you, alone without me. Leaving you brain damaged from the insulin overdose.

Toonces, I would give my arms, my legs, my ability to walk, I would give anything to have that day back. I would give anything to save you. Please forgive me.

Please know that you are and will always be the love of my life. I am crying for you so hard. I will never stop.

When I am dying I will close my eyes, and dream that I am coming to you. I don't know about afterlife, but I know this:

My last thought will be of you. Love of you, desire to be with you.

You are my heart. Thank you for being my boy. I can never tell you how much you feel my heart. Please know how much I love you every day, forever.

Love,

Your Stefani