I still can't believe you are gone. It's so unbelievable.
I stop myself sometimes from calling and catch myself thinking that I can still stop by on the way home.
It wasn't enough time, though I am grateful for the time we had... I am wrecked with the thoughts of your final days. It was so hard to stay positive for you. Especially when you would ask if I thought you might make it... I wish that I had thought so, but I was seeing you deteriorate so fast, it seemed impossible and I guess it ultimately was. Nobody outside understood, they kept trying to be positive and would remind me of people we knew that had survived cancer, lived with cancer, beat cancer. Everyone was very supportive and warm; in some ways, that made it harder.
I still can't believe that you are gone. I feel as though you are as close as you've ever been. It's like being teased, really.
I remember watching as you died, you stared blankly at me and kept asking me to help you. There was nothing I could do but my best to comfort you. I pet your hair and kept trying to reassure you and express my love. I have held on so tight to your last words to me, "I love you too." They are emblazoned in my auditory memory and when I think or say aloud, "I love you mom," I can hear your reply.
I remember watching as you began to take your last few breaths. You may even have already been gone, watching us as we sang you on your way. We prayed some of your favorite prayers. My heart broke there and I can't shake the images of that last hour. To see someone I love so much reduced to such pain, agony, fear, sadness is too much to bear.
I hope you are well, I hope you are fearless, I hope you are safe, and I hope you are. I pray that you can hear me when I want you to and that you have been released from that with which you struggled here.
We miss you so much. I miss you.