To My Sons, Logan and Seth,

I love you and miss you both immensely. The one year anniversary of your passing, Logan, was this past February. Seth, your one year anniversary is coming up in May. My soul broke when you each left, and the fact that you both passed away just three months apart only compounds the pain that I am feeling. The grief is unbearable and I am finding it more than impossible to cope.

You were not just my pets. You were my everything. You were my children, my boys. You were my greatest teachers, healers, guides, supporters and most importantly, my greatest loves. For 17 and a half years, you both helped me through some of the most difficult and most challenging moments of my life. You literally saved me. You gave me purpose. You gave me the greatest, most beautiful unconditional love. I miss that... I miss your loves so very much. I need that desperately, especially right now with all the bullshit happening in the world right now.

I look for you everywhere, and I constantly call out your names repeatedly throughout the day no matter where I am. When I wake up in the morning, I call out your names to have you both join your Daddy and me around the house. If we leave anywhere, I call out your names to have you both join us in our outings. When it's time to sleep, I carry the boxes containing your ashes from the living room to the bedroom. I give you both a goodnight kiss and ask you both to join us for mimis time. I ask you to lay down with us and to give us loves and cuddles, and to please visit us in our dreams. Then I lay down, cover myself and hug my stuffed animals that look like you. I pat down my pillow and ask you, Seth, to lay down with me on the pillow, just like you did every night when you were still with us. I pat down on my side and on Daddy's side, and invite you, Logan, to lay down with us on the bed just you used to as well. And as I close my eyes and try to drift off to sleep, I repeat your names over and over and over again, hoping that by doing that, you both will appear in my dreams. Perhaps in my dreams, I can hold you both again, and give you loves and kisses and show you just how much I love you and miss you.

I've dreamed of you both a few times, but your visitations were too fast, too short and too fleeting. It's extremely hard to not see you if even in dreams. You two are my heart, my loves, and I need you both very much. I just want to spend time with you every day in dreamland, and I want to be able to remember the entire dreams. Every day that goes by that I don't have any dreams about you, and that further elongate the time that you have been gone, is a nightmare. Each day that passes by makes it more and more difficult to remember everything about you two. I don't ever want to forget you. I will not, I promise. You two are my Lights. My Guy and my Papi Chulo. Please come visit me in dreams, my Loves, and please continue to visit us in waking life.

We hope to see you both soon, and a lot more frequently. Your Papa and Daddy love you eternally, Logan and Seth.

Love always,

Your Papa and Daddy