My dearest Princess Lyla,

It’s coming up to 5 days since you left us.

After 12 years of buzz and laughter and life around you, we now wake up to silence, often doing things that became second nature. We side-step water bowls that are not there anymore. We gingerly push doors open lest you are lying just behind. We imagine hearing your footsteps coming to the kitchen to complain about lunch being late …. 10 minutes before regular time…

I wait in my study on Saturday mornings for you to wake up and come rocking up to me saying Let’s Go … it’s Walk time!

It’s an endless list really.

I will continue grieving for you until I can make peace with myself and your passing.

I loved you more than anyone else. And you knew that. You knew I would always make you safe… even from the torture of brushing teeth…

Now you’re gone and all that I can do is pen these thoughts.

So many people say that we should seek succour in that you had a life full of the best we could give you, full of our love and all of our time when we were together. Some people say we should find relief that you didn’t have to suffer more than 2 days.

That doesn’t cut it for me. I wanted both of us to live and be together forever. So there are no discounts for me and I seek no relief on your leaving us. I will live through this pain in whatever intensity it comes each day, and for however long it keeps coming.

The night of 25th June was the last night I spent with you. You were suffering, couldn’t move, couldn’t turn, couldn’t raise your head. I lay next to you on the floor our bodies in touch as I petted you nonstop till around 4am I think when my shoulders hurt so bad that I couldn’t pet you anymore. I only wish I had more strength to go on.

I kept my word and stayed with you till the end, petting and talking to you for those final 3 minutes. Even nonsensical stuff like how you were losing hair. Anything that came to mind. Until you went to sleep for the last time.

How I wish you were here.

Love,

Papa