Dear Jack,

I miss you so much little buddy. I wish we had more time together. I'm sorry that I got aggravated with you near the end. I'm sorry that I wasn't the most patient mama. I feel like it was selfish to let you go because I couldn't watch you falling apart anymore. You were always such a good boy. I loved living in Boston with you and taking you on the T and letting you bark at the swan boats. Remember when you almost bit the maintenance man's hand? I miss you when I'm on walks with the girls. It feels strange to not be tripping over you when I'm on walks. 11 years, despite my best efforts, and you never figured out how to stop getting under my feet. I miss snuggles with you. I'm sorry I didn't pick you up and put you on the bed every night. It's been almost 3 months since you're gone and I still cry all the time. I know if you were here you'd be licking my salty face. I never realized just how bonded we were, and I wish I could go back and love you better. I feel like I wasn't good enough for you. I didn't deserve to be loved so much by you. You were my boy. You were so loyal and goofy. I miss your whole body wag and the way we would "talk" when I got home. Dammit I miss you so much. I even miss tripping over you. I hated watching you get old, and watch your heart get worse, and watch your body betray you. I couldn't watch your legs giving out, and when you would look so confused walking around the house. We lived for in the same house for 8 years and you looked around like you'd never been there before. It broke my heart to see your mind slowly deteriorate. It hurt to realize that you were walking in front of me all the time because you had gone blind and didn't know where you were going. There's so much I wish we could have done to fix you, but I know there wasn't anything. Dr. Amy told me I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I would have lost everything if it meant I could save you. I miss the clicking of your nails on the floor when you would start to fret at night and pace the house. I miss holding you like a baby. I know it annoyed you but you tolerated me and let me do it anyway. I was so worried about you falling down the stairs when you'd get there before me. It's strange for me not to have to vacuum everyday to get all that white hair up. White hair on everything, people thought I had a cat. I told them "nope, my baby Jack, who's allergic to cats." I still think it's hilarious that you're allergic to cats. You were a special one Doodle. Special in every meaning of the word. Gloria misses feeding you tomatoes and lettuce. I miss searching for treats that you aren't allergic to. You and Jade were with me in the hardest times of my life, and I wouldn't have survived if I didn't have you two. I loved you so much and I hope that I at least showed you that and treated you well while you were her on this Earth. I know I'll see you again. I hope you'll forgive me if I wasn't the best mama. I just want to be able to hold you and hug you again. I couldn't let go of you after you died. I held you for so long and cried. I felt like I let you down. Everybody says I did right by you for your whole life with me but I'll never feel like I did enough for you. You were my protector. You wouldn't ever let anyone hurt me. You picked who you liked, and I trusted your judgement. If you didn't like them, I didn't trust them. I wish you were still here. I know you were old, but sometimes I feel like there was more I could do. I wish I had been nicer, cuddled more, yelled less, loved on you more often. The girls miss you too. They smelled your bed and wouldn't lay in it for the longest time. We all miss you my little angel. I love you so much

Love,

Mommy