Dear Beloved Bear,

It's been only a few days since you left this world so the hurt is still very fresh. I still can't believe you are no longer going to be part of my cancer healing and life. I'm still in shock. I can't really look at pictures of you just yet but you're always on my mind, every minute of the day.

I'm finding so many every day things difficult which I did not expect. Going to sleep is hard, all I do is think of you. What could I have done to prevent what happened to you. Why did it happen. Why you. Why now. What did I do to deserve this. Why more [removed]. The ultimate what the f*@k.

Waking up is just as worse. I miss letting you out of your crate, tail wagging against it. (thump, thump, thump) Then you go beserk with your toy, wanting to play first thing in the morning. I miss you following me from kitchen to living room to the bedroom while I get ready. Giving me the look of hope if you get to come to work with me. Our morning walks. Our morning cuddles. I still look in the tub to see if you've peed in it.

I can't even make a soy smoothie yet because I used to give you a little. You and your little soy shake beard.

I hate coming home. I miss you jumping on me. Then you would nudge me with your toy, you are ever so keen to play. No one stares at me anymore when I eat. As I sit here, sometimes I think you will still pop out from under the couch to play or hear you make funny noises when you're dreaming.

My car is not the same with you riding in it, crying at me to take your seatbelt off once you knew we were near work. How on earth do you know which exit it is?

My work friends miss you too. It dawned on me that they've known you for 5 years of your life! So many people said that you were the highlight of their day when you're in the office. You brought so much happiness and joy to so many people.

I can't even pick up my keys without thinking that you'd pop out from under the couch to give me the guilty look for leaving you home.

I will miss traveling with you. I'm glad you got to go camping with all my friends & experience your first swim. We would've swum more if it weren't so cold! Even my Aussie friends are heartbroken.

I have no idea why I had to lose you especially in this time when I needed you the most as part of my healing process. I want to just hold you.

I hope that you thought I was the best mama to you even when I gave you tough love.

I miss you so much it hurts but I'm glad you are in a much happier place. I bet you get to eat whatever you want now.

I love you very much Bear. You made me very happy, you made me laugh and you gave me great joy. You're my best friend.

Love always and forever.

Missing You,

Mama