My sweet Gunnar,

My sweet boy,

I cannot even begin to process you no longer being here with me, every day feels like a nightmare that I cannot seem to wake up from. I never realized that losing you was going to be the worst thing I will ever have endured in my life but it has been the worst experience. To many people you we're just a ferret, but to me you were my whole world, my best friend, my soul animal and the best cuddle buddy that I could of ever asked for. Your absence has been the heaviest thing I have ever had to carry and most days I don't know if I can make it out of this even though it's been 136 days now. The holidays we're so hard because your stocking was left untouched and the new lamb chop toy is still sitting in there... as if you'll be back to open it. The new year started and I think that's been the hardest thing for me right now because 2025 was the last year you were alive in and now I feel like i've had to leave you in the past and I cannot accept that. This year and for the rest of my life I will no longer get to celebrate your birthdays with you, no more surprising you with a new lamb chop toy every week, no watching you stash all of your new toys so the others won't touch them, no more watching you thrash around your lambs like a little puppy dog, no more cuddle sessions everyday like we used to, no more laying you on my chest and feeling your little heartbeat on mine. I just wish we had more time together but I knew that you could no longer fight the Adrenal Disease and the tumor anymore and somehow I feel like I failed you.... I always have to ask myself " should I have demanded surgery even though they said you were high risk" I always wonder if I would of had them attempt surgery to remove the tumor... would you still be here? would we have had more time together? From the time they found the 3.5 cm tumor and the time you stopped fighting was 3 months apart and I did everything I could at home to keep you comfortable and to make you know that you were so loved but I know that you knew how much I love you and you made sure to love me right back and i'm forever grateful to have had the opportunity to watch you grow from baby (3 months old) to 5 years old despite all the challenges you had throughout your life. The day we brought you in to cross the rainbow bridge on August 22, 2025 @ 10 A.M will forever haunt my memories. I know your other mom wanted to bring you alone because she knew this was going to traumatize me but I could and would never do that to you, I could not let you my boy leave this world without me by your side. I was your person and I would not do that to you. I would suffer the rest of my life as long as you knew I was there until the very end and I was and I would do it a million times over. You stared at me until your very last breath and that's when I died inside. Your brother Gomez also misses you so much, he still searches for you and i've seen him stuck in the same funk but after all he lost his bonded pair so I understand the loss he is feeling. I hope that you are up there in rainbow heaven pain free and able to run like you used too before the tumor made it hard for you to get out of bed. I wake up with a broken heart and go to bed carrying the same weight. 💔 Some losses don’t heal, they just change the way you live, the way you breathe. Loving you left a mark that time can’t erase. I will carry this love, and this loss, with me always. Until we meet again my sweet boy, I will miss you until my dying day and i'll love you for eternity. Thank you for making me feel wanted, it felt so good to be your comfort because you were mine.

Love,

Caitlin (your mama)